Administrativum

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at Yale. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons, and 11 assistant vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of mesonlike particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused a reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but, instead, undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight usually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicate that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to congregate at 20 certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can actually be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions, where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.