Reproductive Behavior of the Ordinary Necktie (Strangulus Polyestrus)

Dr. Horace P. Foulard-Kravatz, Ph.D.

It has been observed for some time that Strangulus Polyestrus has a reproductive cycle closely related to their storage environment, but until now, this behavior has never been documented.

For the initial phase of this study, four groups of 20 Strangulus P. were used. The first was a control group, hung neatly on a tie rack in an open room. Over the course of six months, no reproductive behavior was observed.

The second group consisted of 20 Strangulus P. hung on a tie rack in a closed closet. After six months in this closet, it was found that no new Strangula had been produced, although several had fallen to the floor during the process of trying to reproduce.

The third group consisted of 20 Strangulus P. flung carelessly into a dresser drawer, which was then closed and sealed for six months. When the drawer was finally opened, it was found that the adult Strangula had been promiscuous indeed, resulting in the formation of seven new Strangula. The coloring of these adolescent Strangula indicated that the Gaudy sub-species has a shorter or more successful reproductive cycle, prompting the research described in the latter part of this study.

The fourth and final group of 20 Strangulus P. was assembled at the request of a colleague who insisted that the best place for breeding Strangula was the back seat of a car. This method did prove to be the most productive attempt, although it initially got off to a slow start. At the beginning of the experiment, the dormant Strangula were simply laid neatly across the back seat of the car. No reproductive behavior was observed until they were eventually swept aside to make room for passengers, and ultimately kicked under the driver's and passenger's side seats, at which point they not only began to produce at an astonishing, if not outright whorish rate, but also began to display significant signs of territorial belligerence, often attacking the feet and hands of observing scientists. Again, the overwhelming majority of the offspring belonged to the Gaudy sub-species.

This preponderance of Strangulus Polyestrus Gaudy, and a need to waste the remainder of a significant federal grant to ensure continued funding, prompted additional research to contrast and compare the reproductive cycle of Gaudy to the other major sub-species of Strangulus P.: Spotted and Drab. For this phase, 20 adult Strangula of each sub-species were shoved hurriedly into drawers which were subsequently sealed for a period of two months.

After two months, the Drab specimens were still languorously indulging in foreplay, which seemed to consist mainly of estimating one's net worth and making trite and insincere comments about other Strangula's texture, color, or cooking ability. The Spotted specimens were crusting up nicely and had begun to exude a weird, but not alltogether nauseating, odor. The Gaudy specimens, on the other hand, were not only procreating at a scandalous rate, but had established a crude transmission device and were broadcasting talk shows with themes along the lines of "Ketchup: Aphrodisiac or Communist Menace", and "Women Who Love Piet Mondrians and the Men Who Wear Them".

It was at this time that the study was dropped abruptly due to intervention from the Dean of the University, who guaranteed tenure only if the damn report would be published already.

(Andy Peed)