The Skinhead Hamlet
Shakespeare's play translated into modern English as published in the TOIKE OIKE, the art and literary newspaper of the University of Toronto Engineering Society.
Act 1, Scene 1
The battlements of Elsinore Castle. Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST.
Ghost: Oi! Mush!
Ghost: I was fucked!
Hamlet: O fuck.
The Throneroom. Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT.
Claudius: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!
Hamlet: Fuck off, won't you?
Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, COURT.
Hamlet: (Alone) They could have fucking waited.
Horatio: Oi! Whatcha cock!
Ophelia's Bedroom. Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES.
Laertes: I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone.
Ophelia: I'll be fucked if he does.
The Battlements. Enter HORATIO, HAMLET, and GHOST.
Ghost: Oi! Mush, get on with it!
Hamlet: Who did it then?
Ghost: That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my fucking ear!
Hamlet: Fuck me!
Act 2, Scene 1
A corridor in the castle. Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS
Polon: Oi! You!
Hamlet: Fuck off, grandad!
Exit POLON. Enter ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN.
Rosencrantz & Guildenstern: Oi! Oi! Mucca!
Hamlet: Fuck off, the pair of you!
(Exit ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN.
Hamlet: (Alone) To fuck or be fucked.
Ophelia: My Lord!
Hamlet: Fuck off to a nunnery!
They exit in different directions.
Act 3, Scene 1
The Throne Room. Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.
PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart...
Claudius: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.
Gertrude's Bedchamber. Enter HAMLET, to GERTRUDE.
Hamlet: Oi! Slag!
Gertrude: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!
Polon: (From behind the curtain) Too right.
Hamlet: Who the fuck was that?
He stabs POLONIUS through the arras.
Hamlet: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.
Act 4, Scene 1
A Court Room.
Claudius: Fuck off to England then!
Hamlet: Delighted, mush.
The Throne Room. OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.
Ophelia: Here, cop a whack of this.
She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits.
Claudius: She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?
Gertrude: (Looking out the window) There is a willow grows aslant the brook.
Claudius: Get on with it, slag.
Gertrude: Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned!
Claudius: Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
Laertes: (Alone) I'm going to fucking do this lot.
Claudius: I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker, Hamlet.
Laertes: Well, fuck him.
Act 5, Scene 1
HAMLET's Bedchamber. HAMLET and HORATIO seated.
Hamlet: I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying fuck.
Large Hall. Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, and CLAUDIUS.
Laertes: Oi, wanker. Let's get on with it.
Hamlet: Delighted, fuckface.
They fight and are poisoned by the poisoned sword.
The QUEEN drinks.
Gertrude: Fucking odd wine!
Claudius: You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!
Hamlet: (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS' throat) Well, fuck you!
Claudius: I'm fair and squarely fucked.
Laertes: Oi, mush. No hard feelings, eh?
Hamlet: Oi! Horatio!
Hamlet: I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence.
Horatio: Fuck! That was no ordinary wanker, you know.
Fortin: What the fuck's going on here?
Horatio: A fucking mess, that's for sure.
Fortin: No kidding. I see Hamlet's fucked.
Fortin: Fucking shame. Fucking good bloke.
Horatio: Too fucking right.
Fortin: Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off.
Exeunt with alarums.