The Skinhead Hamlet

Shakespeare's play translated into modern English as published in the TOIKE OIKE, the art and literary newspaper of the University of Toronto Engineering Society.

Act 1, Scene 1

The battlements of Elsinore Castle. Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST.

Ghost: Oi! Mush!

Hamlet: Yer?

Ghost: I was fucked!

Exit GHOST

Hamlet: O fuck.

Exit HAMLET.

Scene 2

The Throneroom. Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT.

Claudius: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!

Hamlet: Fuck off, won't you?

Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, COURT.

Hamlet: (Alone) They could have fucking waited.

Enter HORATIO

Horatio: Oi! Whatcha cock!

Hamlet: Weeeeey!

Exeunt

Scene 3

Ophelia's Bedroom. Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES.

Laertes: I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone.

Ophelia: I'll be fucked if he does.

Exeunt.

Scene 4

The Battlements. Enter HORATIO, HAMLET, and GHOST.

Ghost: Oi! Mush, get on with it!

Hamlet: Who did it then?

Ghost: That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my fucking ear!

Hamlet: Fuck me!

Exeunt.

Act 2, Scene 1

A corridor in the castle. Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS

Polon: Oi! You!

Hamlet: Fuck off, grandad!

Exit POLON. Enter ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN.

Rosencrantz & Guildenstern: Oi! Oi! Mucca!

Hamlet: Fuck off, the pair of you!

(Exit ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN.

Hamlet: (Alone) To fuck or be fucked.

Ophelia: My Lord!

Hamlet: Fuck off to a nunnery!

They exit in different directions.

Act 3, Scene 1

The Throne Room. Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.

PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart...

Claudius: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.

Exeunt

Scene 2

Gertrude's Bedchamber. Enter HAMLET, to GERTRUDE.

Hamlet: Oi! Slag!

Gertrude: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!

Polon: (From behind the curtain) Too right.

Hamlet: Who the fuck was that?

He stabs POLONIUS through the arras.

Polon: Fuck!

Hamlet: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.

Exeunt.

Act 4, Scene 1

A Court Room.

Claudius: Fuck off to England then!

Hamlet: Delighted, mush.

Scene 2

The Throne Room. OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.

Ophelia: Here, cop a whack of this.

She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits.

Claudius: She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?

Gertrude: (Looking out the window) There is a willow grows aslant the brook.

Claudius: Get on with it, slag.

Gertrude: Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned!

Claudius: Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.

Exeunt.

Scene 3

A Corridor.

Laertes: (Alone) I'm going to fucking do this lot.

Enter CLAUDIUS.

Claudius: I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker, Hamlet.

Laertes: Well, fuck him.

Act 5, Scene 1

HAMLET's Bedchamber. HAMLET and HORATIO seated.

Hamlet: I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying fuck.

Exeunt.

Scene 2

Large Hall. Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, and CLAUDIUS.

Laertes: Oi, wanker. Let's get on with it.

Hamlet: Delighted, fuckface.

They fight and are poisoned by the poisoned sword.

Laertes: Fuck!

Hamlet: Fuck!

The QUEEN drinks.

Gertrude: Fucking odd wine!

Claudius: You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!

Hamlet: (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS' throat) Well, fuck you!

Claudius: I'm fair and squarely fucked.

Laertes: Oi, mush. No hard feelings, eh?

Hamlet: Yer.

LAERTES dies.

Hamlet: Oi! Horatio!

Horatio: Yer?

Hamlet: I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence.

HAMLET dies.

Horatio: Fuck! That was no ordinary wanker, you know.

Enter FORTINBRAS.

Fortin: What the fuck's going on here?

Horatio: A fucking mess, that's for sure.

Fortin: No kidding. I see Hamlet's fucked.

Horatio: Yer.

Fortin: Fucking shame. Fucking good bloke.

Horatio: Too fucking right.

Fortin: Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off.

Exeunt with alarums.

(Richard Curtis)