The Windows 95 Source Code

/*
 * Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
 * Project: Version - Windows 95
 *
 * Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
 */

#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
  if (latest_windows_version>one_month_old)
  {
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
      market(bugfix);
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
      raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
  }
  
  while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
  {
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking) /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
      make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n play);
    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
    {
      market_time=ripe;
      say("It will be ready in one month);
      order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
      order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
      order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
      vapourware=TRUE;
      break;
    }
  }
  
  switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
  {
    case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
      say("It will be ready in", today+30_days, " we're just testing");
      break;
    case WILL_THIS_PLUG AND_PLAY_THING WORK:
      say("Yes it will work");
      ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
      pretend(there_is_no_problem);
      break;
     case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
      say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to "
          "the 32 bits architecture");
      inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
      inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
             "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
      inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
      get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
      break;
    case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
      say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
      register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
      when(time_is_ripe)
      {
        arrest(journalist);
        brainwash(journalist);
        when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
        {
          order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
          release (journalist))
        }
      }
      break;
  }
  while (vapourware)
  {
    introduction_date++; /* Delay */
    if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
      break;
    say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
  }
  release(beta_version);
  while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
  {
    bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
    release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
    introduce(more_memory_requirements);
    if (customers_report_installation_problems)
    {
      say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
      if (smart_customer_says_but_you promised_plug_and_play)
      {
        ignore(customer);
        order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard");
      }
    }
    if (bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years)
    {
      divorce(woman_that_was_beautifull_when_I_married_her);
      wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
      marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
      devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
      if (boobies_start_to_hang)
        dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
    }
    if (there_is_another_company)
    {
      steal(their_ideas);
      accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
      hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
      wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford another_lawsuit)
      buy_out(other_company);
    }
  }
  
  /* Now everyone realizes, we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
  order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
  buy(nice_little_island);
  hire(harem);
  laugh_at(everyone,
    for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}

void bugfix(void)
{
  charge (a_lot_of_money)
  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
  if (still_complaints)
  {
    ignore(customer);
    register(customer, big_Bill_book);
    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!! */
  }
}